I've never been very good at waiting. So once I've decided to do something it really needs to happen as soon as possible. My patience has just about worn off now because back in August I decided to go through with my treatments, and they were supposed to start in September. Here it is November and still I'm waiting. Not sure how much longer I can handle this waiting game.
The dark hole I'm in seems to be getting deeper everyday, most days if I'm able to get out of bed, I only make it as far as the couch to watch a tv show or my computer chair to play a stupid facebook game. For that short time at least they are keeping my mind otherwise occupied.
One thing this depression has taught me about myself is that I am not a selfish person. I wish everyday that I didnt have to deal with life anymore, and if it wasnt for my children and how much I would hurt them, I probably would have taken the exit door by now.
The E.C.T treatments are supposed to work 70 to 80% of the time, but if they dont work for me...I'm really afraid I will have no hope left. Treatments are 3 times a week under a general anesthetic for approx 6 weeks. Problem is, now we are getting close to Christmas. I dont want to disappoint the kids and be in the hospital at Christmas time....but I really dont feel I can wait much longer.
The sadness and guilt I feel for being such a bad role model for my children is something I can never erase from their lives, but I want to show them that if you want something bad enough you can make it happen!
I think you are doing awesome. Does what you have count as PTSD? or PTSS? Because really, you have had some serious stuff go down. You're still here- which I appreciate. Make a list of 10 things you're thankful for - whether it's big, like I have a house, or little, like I have eyelashes to protect my eyes, write the list when you get up and repeat it aloud every hour. Tomorrow, list another ten things. and so on. and so on. Stop thinking and speaking negative stuff. If you catch yourself being negative, say, NO! I am thankful that.. and repeat your list aloud.
ReplyDeleteI would be very interested to see how you feel next week, month, etc. :D It's free and it's worth a try, right?