I've never really had alot of friends but the ones I've had were very special people. In the last 11 years I have found that I've pushed them all pretty much away. Mostly for their own sakes...because to tell you the truth I can't even stand my own company.
I know people are uncomfortable when I mention Ryan's name, but for me it feels like just yesterday that we lost him. The pain in almost as bad and the memories just don't go away. It always gets harder when ever something special is happening for Matthew and I think...Ryan should be here too.
I realize people don't know what to say but I wish I could talk about him without everyone just claming up. Losing a child is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with but then all my support system is also gone. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone but myself. It has been my choice to protect people from myself. Guess thats the mother instinct coming out again, but I'm just so damn lonely!
After my treatments I sure hope to be calling some of those wonderful people, apologise and hope they understand. I really miss their company and some of the fun stuff we used to do together.
Like laughing our heads off in Wally's ladies dept? :D The key seems to be that people don't know what to say, unless they have also lost someone. <3
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