Well its been a very long time since I posted on here. Since my last blog a year and a half has past, Matthew and Kat have been married and I had my ECT treatments.
The wedding was so beautiful and everything went very well. Stephen managed to contact the catholic church and find out that my mother was allowed to attend the wedding "without going to hell".
The ECT treatments did not help me at all and the specialist says my last hope is to have electrodes implanted in my brain. The thought of having that done is not something I have really considered. I can't get past thinking about having holes drilled into my skull!
I've had two friends lose a parent in the last 6 months and I'm such a crappy friend I havent even reached out to them. Everything is just too much trouble!! It's not that I dont think about them and wish I could give them a hug but I am just so unable to do so......for this I am truly sorry.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Darkness
Close your eyes and picture, your in a room and this room has no windows or doors. The only opening is a small one like a cat door down on the left side. Its is very dark in this room with just a sliver of light from the cat door. The room is very claustraphobic and is filled with a fog. This fog is not like any ordinary fog, this fog is very thick and heavy. It deadens your senses. It makes it very hard to move. It seems to be sucking away the life force from within you.
You try to reach out to the sliver of light coming from the cat door but even raising your arm is difficult. The fog is pushing against you, pushing you back and down. You are plastered against the wall behind you and you are feeling very tired and worn out from the effort of moving in this very dense fog. You are even having trouble keeping your eyes open and this overwhelming fog is making you so very sleepy.
You know the best thing is to reach that sliver of light but the effort is almost too much. The fog is now draining you further, it feels like there is no joy or happiness left. The tears are running very slowly down your cheeks. It is taking all your hopes and dreams and you can't find the strength to care. You try to call out to anyone, but the words just bounce off the very thick and dense fog. You are trapped.
No.....
this isn't a horror story.....this is my life and I would really like to find a happy ending!!
You try to reach out to the sliver of light coming from the cat door but even raising your arm is difficult. The fog is pushing against you, pushing you back and down. You are plastered against the wall behind you and you are feeling very tired and worn out from the effort of moving in this very dense fog. You are even having trouble keeping your eyes open and this overwhelming fog is making you so very sleepy.
You know the best thing is to reach that sliver of light but the effort is almost too much. The fog is now draining you further, it feels like there is no joy or happiness left. The tears are running very slowly down your cheeks. It is taking all your hopes and dreams and you can't find the strength to care. You try to call out to anyone, but the words just bounce off the very thick and dense fog. You are trapped.
No.....
this isn't a horror story.....this is my life and I would really like to find a happy ending!!
Monday, November 14, 2011
My predudice
So anyone that really knows me, knows what my biggest predudice is....come on say it....STUPIDITY!!!
I have absolutely no patience for the stupid things some people say or do. I'm not talking about disabled people, just dumbness. I really don't know why I'm like this, because I'm not the smartest cracker in the box (trust me, I grew up with a brother who is a genius).
I really wonder how some people manage to get through life at times. I would like to be more tolerant, and am with most other issues and problems. Please people stop and think before you speak!
I have absolutely no patience for the stupid things some people say or do. I'm not talking about disabled people, just dumbness. I really don't know why I'm like this, because I'm not the smartest cracker in the box (trust me, I grew up with a brother who is a genius).
I really wonder how some people manage to get through life at times. I would like to be more tolerant, and am with most other issues and problems. Please people stop and think before you speak!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Missing you
I've never really had alot of friends but the ones I've had were very special people. In the last 11 years I have found that I've pushed them all pretty much away. Mostly for their own sakes...because to tell you the truth I can't even stand my own company.
I know people are uncomfortable when I mention Ryan's name, but for me it feels like just yesterday that we lost him. The pain in almost as bad and the memories just don't go away. It always gets harder when ever something special is happening for Matthew and I think...Ryan should be here too.
I realize people don't know what to say but I wish I could talk about him without everyone just claming up. Losing a child is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with but then all my support system is also gone. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone but myself. It has been my choice to protect people from myself. Guess thats the mother instinct coming out again, but I'm just so damn lonely!
After my treatments I sure hope to be calling some of those wonderful people, apologise and hope they understand. I really miss their company and some of the fun stuff we used to do together.
I know people are uncomfortable when I mention Ryan's name, but for me it feels like just yesterday that we lost him. The pain in almost as bad and the memories just don't go away. It always gets harder when ever something special is happening for Matthew and I think...Ryan should be here too.
I realize people don't know what to say but I wish I could talk about him without everyone just claming up. Losing a child is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with but then all my support system is also gone. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone but myself. It has been my choice to protect people from myself. Guess thats the mother instinct coming out again, but I'm just so damn lonely!
After my treatments I sure hope to be calling some of those wonderful people, apologise and hope they understand. I really miss their company and some of the fun stuff we used to do together.
The waiting game
I've never been very good at waiting. So once I've decided to do something it really needs to happen as soon as possible. My patience has just about worn off now because back in August I decided to go through with my treatments, and they were supposed to start in September. Here it is November and still I'm waiting. Not sure how much longer I can handle this waiting game.
The dark hole I'm in seems to be getting deeper everyday, most days if I'm able to get out of bed, I only make it as far as the couch to watch a tv show or my computer chair to play a stupid facebook game. For that short time at least they are keeping my mind otherwise occupied.
One thing this depression has taught me about myself is that I am not a selfish person. I wish everyday that I didnt have to deal with life anymore, and if it wasnt for my children and how much I would hurt them, I probably would have taken the exit door by now.
The E.C.T treatments are supposed to work 70 to 80% of the time, but if they dont work for me...I'm really afraid I will have no hope left. Treatments are 3 times a week under a general anesthetic for approx 6 weeks. Problem is, now we are getting close to Christmas. I dont want to disappoint the kids and be in the hospital at Christmas time....but I really dont feel I can wait much longer.
The sadness and guilt I feel for being such a bad role model for my children is something I can never erase from their lives, but I want to show them that if you want something bad enough you can make it happen!
The dark hole I'm in seems to be getting deeper everyday, most days if I'm able to get out of bed, I only make it as far as the couch to watch a tv show or my computer chair to play a stupid facebook game. For that short time at least they are keeping my mind otherwise occupied.
One thing this depression has taught me about myself is that I am not a selfish person. I wish everyday that I didnt have to deal with life anymore, and if it wasnt for my children and how much I would hurt them, I probably would have taken the exit door by now.
The E.C.T treatments are supposed to work 70 to 80% of the time, but if they dont work for me...I'm really afraid I will have no hope left. Treatments are 3 times a week under a general anesthetic for approx 6 weeks. Problem is, now we are getting close to Christmas. I dont want to disappoint the kids and be in the hospital at Christmas time....but I really dont feel I can wait much longer.
The sadness and guilt I feel for being such a bad role model for my children is something I can never erase from their lives, but I want to show them that if you want something bad enough you can make it happen!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Oh God?
So..... I'm really angry, disappointed and hurt because my mother is refusing to come to Matthew and Kats wedding. She says its against the Catholic religon to attend a wedding ceremony if it doesnt take place in the church. This is just another reason why I no longer follow the Catholic religon! I'm not really sure what I believe in any more....I think, there is a higher power, God as you like but I truly dont believe that that God would ever be so judgemental as to prevent a grandmother from attending her own grandson's wedding.
I've known about this issue for about a month now...but to be completely honest I still cant believe my own mother could be this hurtful to us.
Who in their right mind would ever want to spend the rest of eternity with a "God" who forces you to cause pain and suffering to the ones you love? If this is what my mother is in for, then I feel very sorry for her.
As his Mom, I am feeling very protective of Matthew and I think my claws have come out on this issue. My mother may have hurt me in the past, with the things she has said or done but there is no way in hell is it OK for her to hurt my baby boy like this!!
Both Matthew and Kat are very hurt and disappointed and we all are very embarrassed that it going to be like this, but we really have no control over what she decides to do. I really just want my children to find the right peron to spend the rest of their lives with and make the very best of it. It doesnt matter so much "the where", but the knowledge that this will be for the rest of their lives is the most important thing.
I'm really not sure how to deal with this issue, as I find it is making me more angry everyday and causing me to lose sleep over it. I think its really eye opening to discover things about a parent, that you really dont like and I'm not sure I can live with. Makes you really question the whole "love" thing. I know there is no way in the world I would do something this hurtful to one of my children, so, I guess if nothing else I've learned something!
I'm very excited for Matthew and Kat because I feel they have made the right choice in each other and they are making alot of very good decisions concerning their future. It just doesnt seem fair though that Matthew doesnt get to have his twin brother by his side, to be his best man on the most exciting day of his life (Ryan would have just thought it was awesome to be a BEST man) and now his grandmother will not be there as well! Who ever said life was fair I guess?
I've known about this issue for about a month now...but to be completely honest I still cant believe my own mother could be this hurtful to us.
Who in their right mind would ever want to spend the rest of eternity with a "God" who forces you to cause pain and suffering to the ones you love? If this is what my mother is in for, then I feel very sorry for her.
As his Mom, I am feeling very protective of Matthew and I think my claws have come out on this issue. My mother may have hurt me in the past, with the things she has said or done but there is no way in hell is it OK for her to hurt my baby boy like this!!
Both Matthew and Kat are very hurt and disappointed and we all are very embarrassed that it going to be like this, but we really have no control over what she decides to do. I really just want my children to find the right peron to spend the rest of their lives with and make the very best of it. It doesnt matter so much "the where", but the knowledge that this will be for the rest of their lives is the most important thing.
I'm really not sure how to deal with this issue, as I find it is making me more angry everyday and causing me to lose sleep over it. I think its really eye opening to discover things about a parent, that you really dont like and I'm not sure I can live with. Makes you really question the whole "love" thing. I know there is no way in the world I would do something this hurtful to one of my children, so, I guess if nothing else I've learned something!
I'm very excited for Matthew and Kat because I feel they have made the right choice in each other and they are making alot of very good decisions concerning their future. It just doesnt seem fair though that Matthew doesnt get to have his twin brother by his side, to be his best man on the most exciting day of his life (Ryan would have just thought it was awesome to be a BEST man) and now his grandmother will not be there as well! Who ever said life was fair I guess?
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